When i surrendered into the experience of death, i forgot to take my body with me and therefore wasn’t able to allow it to purge. When my mind and body was surrendered, there was no resistance anymore.
The painting sums up the peak of my Ayahuasca experience.
At first it became dark and i started to float in empty space. It was fluid and delightful. I was sometimes moving, dancing and sometimes sitting in Zen meditation. After some hours i lay down and tried to sleep, thinking that it was the end of it, but it wasn’t…
I relaxed to much, thinking that its over. At the beginning i was ready to dive into death but just floated in Joy, but when i relaxed and tried to sleep, it came as a surprise, like being struck by a thunder, while sunbathing on a beach.
Suddenly i started to have some visions of structure and a feeling of pulsating. First I felt like being tested if i am afraid of anything visual. I wasn’t, so it started to become sensational. It intensified and i realized, that i couldn’t control anything anymore and had to give in to the experience completely. Resistance is futile .
So i sit down straight into zazen posture and let it take me, but in no time it got totally unbearable and i felt like being ripped apart, pulled in all directions, implode and explode at once and stabbed by millions of sharp needles. I started to generate intense heat and sweat from every pore of my body and collapsed from the high posture of zazen into the lowest posture possible, straight into the bucket. It wasn’t enough anymore to just be an observer. Now it was time of being observed by observation. Instead of observing the experience, the experience observed me. I knew that now i need to purge and to throw up, but i was not able to do so, because i couldn’t find my body! So i slowly went back into the body and in that moment the purge discontinued straight away.
It felt like singing in the rain, totally wet,
but alive.
