Addicted to Pain

Our inside is like an onion.
Behind our addiction to constant Thinking are negative Emotions, which we don’t want to feel. It can be guilt, bad-conscience, anger, hate, aggressiveness, desire, craziness, trauma, fear, jealousy, anxiety, resistance, grudge and so on.

Under these Emotions, we find Pain.
Below our Pain, we can find Disappointment. Life is just not always going the way we want it to be. We are not the way, we want to be. We compare our selves to others, because that’s what we learn in society: Who is the best..Who is the worst..We don’t learn much: who enjoys to do what and how to cooperate…Every one is unique and have inherent Qualities. The school-system is based on teaching kids information, but not much on helping them to discover themselves or learn how to learn. So it only helps certain people, but not everyone. Many are left behind. Much Potential is not used and the formation of elites do not serve humanity nor the earth much any longer. It is changing rapidly now. More people wake up and will not slave nor go to war. Elites too wake up and want to serve for a higher good, rather than only their own needs.

People are not always giving us, what we want

Sometimes we get even critiqued or judged harshly by others and especially by our own selves. These inner judgments are usually the voices of our parents and teachers from our childhood, which we adapted in our own minds.
If we can not face our Pain, we look for an instant gratification. Something that soothes  and numbs it. This is how addiction finds its way into our lives.
Before we can take the next step on our evolutionary inner journey, we have to let go of any numbing behavior or substances, which prevents us to fully experience our pain, disappointment, expectations, our craziness, desires and other shadows, which we  keep in darkness, so we don’t need to look at them.

Becoming “clean”, can be a phase of up to 3 month of harsh withdrawal-symptoms, sometimes more and sometimes less obvious. Even if it is a relationship co-addiction. It is important not to do it alone, if possible. The mind will create all sorts of ideas, to numb ourselves: Just one more time..Every time we loose our integrity, the time of withdrawal becomes about one week longer.

Once we allow ourselves to feel our Disappointment with an open mind, we often encounter the next layer, which is Boredom.

Once we penetrated Boredom, we make an astonishing Discovery:
The Drama in our lives was actually full-filling in some way. It filled that, which we fear and misunderstand the most :
Now we know the reason, why we got stuck in an addiction to pain and drama, thoughts and emotions: They fill the Emptiness, which is even harder to withstand, because it threatens the food-source of our Ego, which feeds on constant, instant gratification, especially Pain and Drama.

We can get stuck in Bliss too

After Emptiness we may touch inner Bliss, which has nothing to do with extasy. It is a state and not a feeling. It is not bound to anything from the outside world; it is Unconditional Love.
Once we let go of Bliss, we can awaken, but awakening means to let go of the Self, which is an Ego- Death-sentence..

Even in Awakening, we can get stuck
Awakening, (it already starts, when we self-reflect) is a realization, that all form is empty. If we get stuck in it, we can develop a spiritual ego, become indifferent to life and humans or attached to emptiness. We may feel superior to others: “I am more ONE with All, than you are and i am here to heal and help you.” is a motto here, which is not a paradox, but a contradiction, since we all have different journeys, but on the same boat. When we suffered a lot, emptiness or superiority, seem to be a good place to rest, instead of Surrendering to God, which is the last step on the evolutionary inner Journey.

Surrendering to God
Means to live a full life of a Human-Beingness with all its facets; In deep faith, awareness and doubts, which do not undermine awakened faith. A selfless Self, is a living double Paradox. We could call it a selfless Ego. And so is the essence of our Soul.
Here, the journey of the Hero ends where it begun and starts in the openness of a beginners mind and heart.

Thank you for your time

Always happy for any comments, inspiration, insides

Love You




Born in Transnistria (U.D.S.S.R) Former Zen(Rinzai)-Monk (in Eigenji and Sogenji-Japan, Psycho-spiritual Counselor, Zen-Meditation-Master (Ikkyu Zen Dojo) , Singer, Improvisation-Dancer, Hospice-Counsellor, Children Counsellor, Writer.

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